Shadows

The most difficult person to deal with has always been myself. I can't stand to look at how life has torn me apart ,the bleeding scars and the rotten flesh of who I really am. I am not who I seem to be, you may ask Who is?  It's different with me I am in control of everything save myself.

My demons have taken over , so tonight I will stay up beating myself to the wall. I wanted to throw a tantrum at him at her at them but I know too well nobody is ready to see that side of me. My wounds run deep and the moment I lay naked before anyone they will cover their eyes and pretend not to have seen anything. I don't expect you to fix me. I just want my person.
Ya Allah how can be surrounded by so Many people ,making them happy yet I cannot stand the stink of my own self. My words reek of blood, serial killer mistress a psychopath with low self esteem  a likely delinquent. However, that is not who I am.
I  am a child in the shadows brought up feeling guilty of being happy until I forgot how it is to be happy, don't get it twisted I do laugh, I am a comedian that hasn't made me happy, I return to my pillow and cry. It's crazy how a slight graze brings the pain a fresh of broken promises, insults and lack of love.
Ya Allah take me out of the shadows I want to bow in the alter of affection if not love.  I don't want to be the hidden pillar of everyone I want my hand to be held by my lover and friend  with pride on broad daylight. Without fear or shame I don't want to be in the shadows .

I look comfortable being that person who easily sacrifices please note the third wheel is not my position. When my  lord gives me stregnth I will be on my way. You won't notice am gone . I hope you will never need me because I will never come back. Until then I will pretend I don't need you and I will you support in everything I will be your loyal dog  . I don't need you to return my favors, just fight for me to stay and dig into my soul, find out who I am  watch me undress and embrace my wounds. That's the least you can do.