Shadows

The most difficult person to deal with has always been myself. I can't stand to look at how life has torn me apart ,the bleeding scars and the rotten flesh of who I really am. I am not who I seem to be, you may ask Who is?  It's different with me I am in control of everything save myself.

My demons have taken over , so tonight I will stay up beating myself to the wall. I wanted to throw a tantrum at him at her at them but I know too well nobody is ready to see that side of me. My wounds run deep and the moment I lay naked before anyone they will cover their eyes and pretend not to have seen anything. I don't expect you to fix me. I just want my person.
Ya Allah how can be surrounded by so Many people ,making them happy yet I cannot stand the stink of my own self. My words reek of blood, serial killer mistress a psychopath with low self esteem  a likely delinquent. However, that is not who I am.
I  am a child in the shadows brought up feeling guilty of being happy until I forgot how it is to be happy, don't get it twisted I do laugh, I am a comedian that hasn't made me happy, I return to my pillow and cry. It's crazy how a slight graze brings the pain a fresh of broken promises, insults and lack of love.
Ya Allah take me out of the shadows I want to bow in the alter of affection if not love.  I don't want to be the hidden pillar of everyone I want my hand to be held by my lover and friend  with pride on broad daylight. Without fear or shame I don't want to be in the shadows .

I look comfortable being that person who easily sacrifices please note the third wheel is not my position. When my  lord gives me stregnth I will be on my way. You won't notice am gone . I hope you will never need me because I will never come back. Until then I will pretend I don't need you and I will you support in everything I will be your loyal dog  . I don't need you to return my favors, just fight for me to stay and dig into my soul, find out who I am  watch me undress and embrace my wounds. That's the least you can do.

Share your love

With the rising number of pick pockets, con artists and robbers in the city, most Nairobians on spotting a street child pull their coats ,purses ,handbags  laptop bags closely to their bodies and quickly pass  the child whereas others continue talking to their peers and ignore the child so hard the child may believe he or she is invisible. It's possibly a normal reaction to protect oneself from what one perceives as potential  harm. To most these riffraffs or street urchins are an extra burden to the beautiful vibrant Nairobi and would rather be removed from the city . We merely reduce them to beggars and garbage.
On a personal note I had, like most Kenyans never thought of them as children.Moreover  like normal children needing mad love until tonight. I was walking to the bus stop, there they were they caught my eyes, two boys probably aged between 9 and 12 sharing an orange all cuddled up in this freezing weather with nothing on except  probably full scarp thick T-shirts as they bit the orange they looked into each others eyes with the 'You're all I got' look and as the sentimental human being I am I couldn't help but feel mad love for them . I could totally relate with because that's the look my sister has given me all these years . I remember how good I feel when she looks at me and the bond just that look has created beyond love, adversity and time something totally heaven-sent. I can only imagine if we didn't have a decent shelter or and adult to care for us when we were young we would probably be in such a situation. It's a view point everyone can take hadn't you had your parents or guardians we would all probably be hungry ,homeless and treated like rejects.

We all wouldn't want to be treated like rejects or thieves. So why don't we change how we treat them for the better. The following are steps we could take:

1.Put yourself in their shoes:

 It's a blessing you found good parents or guardians to take care of you from your siblings bullying,your parents saw  you through school and provided all you needed until you were independent .Looking at the flip  side of the coin you could have ended up in the streets were it not for their being and their tolerance. Appreciating what this privilege made you will definitely understand what these children are missing out on, how vulnerable they are on the streets prone to drugs, diseases ,attacks from fellow street children and eventually a short life span . Understanding that they lack support and parental love will help you to be patient when dealing with them

2.Give them gifts:

Gifts are a beautiful manifestation of love and care  . In primary school, my teacher of science used to feed street children and sit with them as they ate if it was safe to do so . This shows not necessarily must you give them money you can  also show love by giving food and clothes.

3.Smile at them

Smiles are always priceless to the recipients. If they come begging and you're broke exchange greetings while smiling and explain you don't have as you would do if it were  your siblings

Nothing bad can come out of sharing your love with people. However most of the time those who are in need of love are the hardest to love. I hope this helps you share your love with the children on the streets.

Will power

My mind has been totally blown by will.I.am. To me he is iconic, legendary the true embodiment of will power. No it's not his music, Success nor is it his money and wealth but it's his simple intellectual gifts that overwhelm my mind.

will.I.am said, "even if I wouldn't attain my success I would still do everything to make change in My society......  ".to me that's something material cannot take away mashaa Allah. His prospects in empowering problem solving skills through science, technology, engineering and mathematics are inspirational.
In describing legendary will says "legendary comes from legend, having to remain  after I pass, and legendary itself standing your ground and not being manipulated ".
what captured my heart is the following "I am scared of being a musician and being buried in a musician grave yard I have watched people die and live only as musicians "
I wholly share his sentiments ,I don't want to die as a lawyer or another Muslim in the Muslim grave yard  I wanna get out there and bring change for the sake of Allah to help Muslims all over the world make reforms in mainly:
1.Stability
2.Education
3.Economics
This is a form of worship for my Lord it doesn't matter whether I will be remembered but what I will present on the day of reckoning. Subhan Allah. There's a lot of voids I seek to fill. Ya Rabb help me on this journey.
I believe that in shaa Allah my dreams will be achieved through hardwork,sacrifice and determination bi ithnillah.
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Check out will.I.am

http://will.i.am/category/philanthropy/

I Love you

Dear Janice ,

When you felt lonely, I was there, I watched you seek happiness and company in places you would never find even an atom of it. I guess my love for you was weak then. I watched you turn from happy to depressed I watched you be it in a pool, a puddle, a tinted window or even a mirror you were my everything I was your nothing yet I was part of you and you were my world. Whatever you were thinking looking for happiness away from me guess it's the crazy in us. But boy did you face hopelessness and depression I watched in pity as you starved me.

You soon discovered me and I watched you turn from warm to cold, ice cold my oh my. You did this to protect me once you  realised you had to stop torturing me. It was in this solitude that you saved you....yourself the pain left as the scars faded you felt lost you didn't know who or where to identify with. My love it was time for me to take care of you. I led the way to joy and serenity. I led you to the prayer mat more often,led you to the library to quench your thirst of knowledge I showed you exactly who you were and you finally realised Me and you were a team. We are the only ones we could control we are each others hope and peace. We are all we've got and were are gonna fight till the end because we are going to win.
All those heartbreaks we went through it's cause we thought we could always control everything but we can't we can only do so much. These aint scars you're a tiger who earned her strips.  Falling in love with ourselves over and over is what we must do ♡

Yours loving
Your heart and soul

Doing it

Here and now I give my best 

To make it through my test

A journey to my lord I will tell 

'Work hard ' now sounds like a bell 

I tell myself every day because I will gain

Yes the rain washed away the pain 

Was  it any good? 

Yes I needed a change of mood 

Yes I will survive and make it

Because I deserve it 

How I see myself means everything

I will stop at nothing 

To live and accomplish to the fullest 

Not because I am the smartest 

But because I am me 

Great I choose to be

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